Fix my Soul
by vanillaszthevampire
Summary: Kaname's tired of putting on a façade. As his haunting past torments him, no one can see that he really is broken. No one except his rival of course. Kaname never expected him to care, and Zero never expected to have to be the one to put the pieces back together. After all…wasn't that suppose to be Yuuki's job? ZxK


**Fix my Soul  
**

* * *

**Summary: _Kaname's tired of putting on a façade. As his haunting past torments him, no one can see that he really is broken. No one except his rival of course. Kaname never expected him to care, and Zero never expected to be the one to have to put the pieces back together. After all…wasn't that supposed to be Yuuki's job? Slight AU! Takes place back at Cross Academy_**

**Timeline: _So this takes place after Yuuki was turned, the fight with Rido went down, but this time he escaped, and laughed saying that it was only a warm up and he'll be back to take what his rightfully his._**

**WARNING: this is m/m slash! And even though it's mostly shounenai, it may lead up to yaoi so if you don't like it don't read it!**

**Rated M just to be safe!**

**I'm only going to do the disclaimer once so: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE VAMPIRE KNIGHT CHARACTERS!**

**Just warning you now, updates may be a little slow but I'll try and post as frequently as possible! Also, since I'm rushing to post, there'll probably some spelling and grammar errors, sorry! Okay, enough of my rambling, here goes!... ;D**

**Ps: (Just so you don't get confused**) _"thoughts are in italics" _"speech is normal"

_**Enjoy! :]**_

* * *

_Chapter one-Nightmares_

Kaname Kuran rubbed his tired eyes as they threatened to fall shut. A low sigh escaped his lips as he picked up another paper from the growing pile that required his signature.

He had been at it for hours, but there still seemed to be an immense amount of work that needed to be done. The vampire council in particular had been bugging him endlessly.

And so Kaname fought the wave of fatigue that washed over him as he read over another document.

Of course, there was another reason he evaded the sleep he so desperately needed…and that was because of something he didn't want to admit without risk of sounding pathetic.

Nightmares.

Every time his eyes slipped close, pictures and memories flooded his brain. It was as if he was re-living the worst moments of his life over and over again. And no matter what methods he tried, he found he could not avoid them!

It felt like little by little his mind was breaking, and he was crumbling under the amount of intense despair he so desperately tried to hide under his composed façade!

"_How much longer will this go on? How much longer do I have to suffer for my sins?"_

He couldn't help but wonder sadly, as he tried to stifle yet another yawn.

Truth be told, he was exhausted. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept longer than a mere couple hours a night.

The problem was as soon as he would start to sleep, it wouldn't take long before the haunting dreams would plague his mind. He would often wake up thrashing and moaning, just barely biting back a scream. Other times he would wake up drenched in sweat and soaked in his own tears as sobs wracked his throat.

It was a miracle no one had heard him yet, and he often wondered if the other vampires could smell the salt of his tears but were too polite to mention anything.

He hoped it wasn't the case because no matter the state of his fragile mind, he had an image to uphold.

Which is exactly why when he heard the timid knock on the door to his room, knowing it would be his childhood friend to check up on him, Kaname made sure to school his features into his normal expressionless mask before telling him to come in.

As he expected Takuma stuck his head through the doorway wearing a slight look of concern as he took in the wary and tired features of the pureblood.

"Kaname-sama, you've been working for hours! We are all worried about you. Perhaps it would be a good idea to take a break and get some rest."

Kaname merely spared Takuma a glance before looking back down to the document in his hand.

"Know your place Takuma."

The sting of the comment was taken away by the easy use of his first name so loosely, so Takuma wasn't at all offended. In fact he expected Kaname to say something like that. Heck, Takuma would have been more surprised if he actually took him up on his advice!

Takuma bit back a sigh. He was still worried about his dear friend. He had always been able to read Kaname better than anyone else, but lately it seemed that Kaname was more stressed than usual. Of course Takuma assumed it was because of the stress from the council and the disappearance of Rido, but he couldn't help but worry there might be something more.

Of course he would never voice his opinion aloud with risk of being killed, but he knew that deep down his friend was rather _delicate. _Kaname tried to hide it, but he knew how vulnerable and lonely he often felt, even when surrounded by his tight knit group of friends.

It probably was because that Kaname never allowed anyone to get close to him. And even if he wanted to, it was too hard to treat him normally, and not give an immense amount of respect! He was a pureblood after all! Even Takuma himself, (although he was one of the closest to Kaname out of everyone) still couldn't help but keep the "sama" suffix, and too often held his tongue of what he really wanted to say.

He knew the others felt the same way.

Of course Takuma had hoped that when Yuuki regained her memories, Kaname would be thrilled and he would finally have someone on par with him who treats him normally!

He was quite disappointed to see that Kaname seemed to hide his pain and true feelings even more around Yuuki, not wanting to push his own worries on her. In fact, one might even say that he was avoiding her!

And in return, Yuuki was still blushing and shy. It appeared that not even learning that Kaname was her brother, could cure her habit of getting nervous around him.

And so, Kaname was lonelier than ever.

Snapping out of his thoughts, and realizing embarrassedly that he had been standing in the doorway for a few minutes, Takuma stepped in and gently closed the door behind him.

"Kaname-sama, may I be so bold as to offer my assistance? If you insist on working through the night perhaps I can help you get it done quicker?"

"Do as you wish." Kaname replied not bothering to look up from the paper he was holding.

Although his expression didn't show it, he was secretly grateful that Takuma was willing to stay with him. Especially when the nightmares threatened to come, Kaname didn't want to be alone.

He was especially touched because he knew that Takuma would selflessly spend all night with him, even though it could be time spent with his cousin Shiki.

Of course Kaname was no fool to the feelings of those around him, and he wondered when it was Takuma would admit that he was seeing the redhead.

But Kaname decided it wasn't any of his business and if Takuma wanted to keep his relationship a secret from the other vampires then Kaname would happily keep quiet about it in front of the others.

"Kaname-sama, perhaps it would be best to move to the sitting area since we'll be doing this for a while."

Kaname nodded tiredly and rose from his desk chair to take a seat on the soft plush cushions of his sofa.

Takuma soon joined him, arms full of documents, as he spread them out on the coffee table and lifted one up to read thoughtfully.

Kaname was picked up another document to look over, and slightly relaxed more comfortably in his seat, missing the mischievous look of success coming from Takuma.

Of course, Takuma knew if he couldn't coax the pureblood into getting the rest he needed, he would have to result to tricky methods. This wasn't the first time he had gotten his friend to fall asleep, and it wouldn't be his last. If his friend was anything, it was stubborn. But at least Kaname would be more comfortable sleeping on the couch then on his hard desk chair.

Takuma didn't miss the way Kaname practically sagged in his seat, and the dark circles under his eyes showed he really hadn't been sleeping at all.

He felt a pang in his heart; Kaname had truly been over working himself.

So with that in thought Takuma excused himself to quickly get Kaname a glass of strong red wine mixed with a few blood tablets, knowing it would relax him even more.

Walking back to the couch, Kaname accepted the glass with a grateful smile and sipped it slowly, letting the acquired taste relax him.

Soon after 20 minutes signing documents, Kaname's eyes started to get heavy again. He blinked hard, and tried to shake away the tiredness but it was getting so hard to keep his eyes open. Every time he blinked, they seemed to stay closed for a second longer than necessary. His head slowly dipped down as he started to nod off, only to bob back up as jerked himself awake. Finally his eyes blinked close, and he was too tired to open them up again.

* * *

Takuma had a soft smile on his face when he felt a light pressure on his shoulder, and saw that Kaname had fallen asleep on him. His head was nestled in the crook of his neck and shoulder, and while it may have seemed intimate to other people, for Takuma it was perfectly normal for his childhood friend to be resting on him. A while ago, he might've been nervous that his boyfriend Senri would walk in on this compromising position, but Shiki had surprised him by long since accepting Takuma's motherly tendencies when it came to Kaname, often teasing him and calling him a 'mother hen'.

Takuma sighed as he gently stroked Kaname's hair.

Takuma had never been happier than when he was with Shiki and he wished Kaname could find someone like that too!

"_Oh Kaname, if only there was someone you could open your heart too. If it can't be Yuuki, then I wish there was someone…anyone who you could talk to."_

Letting out another sigh, he tried not to move too much to disturb the purebloods slumber as he picked up another document to look over.

He honestly had no idea how Kaname managed to do this all day, but he wanted to do what he could, so that at least some of his work would be done by the time he woke up.

Unfortunately, Takuma wasn't planning on Kaname waking up so soon. He had been at it for almost 2 hours, and had only managed to finish a quarter of the pile when he was starting to feel tired himself.

He was however, determined to finish the work for Kaname even if it meant staying up all night and was just about to reach for another document when Kaname gasped and jerked awake.

"Kaname?" Takuma questioned concerned as he took in the purebloods rapid breathing and accelerated heart.

"I-It's nothing." Kaname whispered, cursing himself for sounding slightly unsure of himself.

Takuma just looked at him sadly. The last time he had seen Kaname like this was years ago, back when they were both living in his grandfather's mansion. Young Kaname had woken up from a horrible Nightmare, and Takuma had heard him sobbing in his sleep. Wanting to make sure Kaname was okay, Takuma had gone to his room and stayed up with him all night. He never asked what the nightmare was about, and the next morning out of respect for the pureblood, and not wanting to damage his pride, Takuma pretended it never happened and Kaname was grateful for that. After all, purebloods were not supposed to show any weakness.

Takuma had always assumed it was a onetime thing, and that it had been about the fear and insecurity of being brought to a new place. I t was perfectly understandable for a child; especially one who had just lost their parents.

If only he knew how much more to it there really was.

Snapping back to the situation at hand, Takuma bit his lip, wanting so badly to ask if Kaname was okay, but also knowing that this was not his place to do so.

Before he could decide what to do, Kaname seemed to make the decision for him and promptly asked him for the last final reports for him to sign.

Takuma guessed they were going with the "pretend it didn't happen" thing again.

Handing over the papers, Takuma bent down to retrieve his pen but was slightly surprised when Kaname merely waved his hand in dismissal.

"But Kaname-sama! You've barely gotten any rest at all! Surely you aren't thinking about finishing this all on your own!"

Kaname just gave one of his rare small smiles.

"You've done well Takuma, but I can handle it from here. Oyasumi."

Before Takuma could protest further, Kaname continued

"Besides, I'm sure Shiki is waiting for you..."

Kaname had to bite down a smile as Takuma blushed a brilliant shade of red and stuttered out a goodnight before exiting the room.

* * *

It was only once he left and Kaname was alone once more did he let the smile slip off his face.

He had hoped falling asleep with another person beside him would have been enough to cure his nightmares, but of course that wasn't the case.

He squeezed his eyes shut and hugged himself as familiar remnants of the dream came back to him.

_Hot disgusting breath breathing on him heavily… _

_Icy cold hands touching his body…_

Shuddering, Kaname shook his head once more and tried to get a hold of himself.

To his dismay, he was starting to feel sleepy again (which really shouldn't be a surprise considering the lack of sleep he had gotten the in the past month)

But after the beginnings of his nightmare, he had no intention of closing his eyes again.

"Maybe a walk will wake me up."

* * *

Of course, being so late in the night for him (or early in the morning depending on how you look at it), was evidently late in the afternoon for all humans. He knew he would have to be careful not to run in any day class students on his walk, but he figured they would most likely all be in class anyway.

Not wanting to alert any of the night class of his absence, he merely slipped open the window, and hopped out landing gracefully on his feet.

Kaname knew he looked more like a zombie than a vampire at the moment, he felt so very tired as he sluggishly dragged his feet across the pavement.

He didn't exactly know where he was walking, but all he knew was that he needed to get the sickening images of his past out of his head.

He walked deeper into the woods area of the school, until it finally led to a large field with a rundown barn. Of course, Kaname was too far gone to pay any attention to his surroundings. Instead he focused all his attention on trying to forget his nightmares.

He tried, he really did! But it was no use. Every time he blinked, he would get images of the dream again

_Those cold hands ripping the clothes off his body…_

_That slimy disgusting tongue licking the side of his neck in a sick anticipation…_

Kaname felt sick. He could almost still feel the vile hands running up the inside of his thigh…

Could almost hear his past self screaming and begging for mercy….

Could almost taste the seed he was forced to swallow…

Kaname abruptly stopped walking as he felt bile rise up in his throat. Not being able to hold it in any longer he collapsed to his knees and wretched on the ground. He hadn't eaten anything other than blood tablets the past few days so he had the unfortunate task of vomiting blood.

Tears blurred his eyes as more images from that night wafted to his mind, and for a second he actually thought he was still there; chained up on that dirty floor…

Which was why when he felt a hand on his shoulder, he jumped, and flinched violently. His eyes looked up in terror as he expected to see a pair of mismatched eyes boring into him, but was surprised when instead he saw a pair of intense lilac ones staring at him in concern.

He took a shaky breath and cursed himself for being too distracted to notice someone approaching. Of course it had to be the last person he wanted to see him like this.

"Zero Kiryu."

* * *

When Zero ditched class to relax and check up on white Lily, the last thing he expected was to see a distressed pureblood trembling on the ground!

"Kuran!" He spat angrily, immediately whipping out his gun. "What are you doing out here? You know you're not supposed to be out here!" He growled, figuring that Kaname was doing this to purposely get on his nerves! _"Of all the places, he just had to come here!" _He thought frustratedly._ "He already took Yuuki away from me! What does he want now? To gloat?"_

However it was only when Kaname didn't turn around or even acknowledge his presence did Zero feel like something was wrong.

He thought back to when he had last seen Kaname at the class changeover the day before, and remembered how the pureblood had just looked…off. Even with Yuuki hanging off his arm, he looked miserable!

Not that anyone would be able to tell. Oh no, Kaname had on too much of a perfect mask for that. And the only reason Zero himself could tell was because he had spent studying Kaname, "know your enemy" and all that.

And so, it was with years of practice of trying to figure out what Kaname was really thinking that Zero was able to deduce the misery in his eyes.

"_First class changeover and now this? What's going on with him?"_

Praying he wasn't going to regret letting his guard down with a vampire, Zero hesitantly put his gun back in his pocket as he stomped forward.

"Oi! Kuran! You listening?"

As Zero walked closer, he noticed that Kaname did not have his usual calm and regal air around him. Although his bangs were covering his eyes so he couldn't see his expression, Zero spotted the blood splattered on the ground beside him.

"_Yes something was definitely wrong_."

Zero tried to pretend that the anxious feeling pooling in the pit of his stomach wasn't worry, but the truth is he had never seen the normally composed vampire looking so distraught

"Kuran?" He said softly, as his voice automatically took on a gentler tone.

Zero moved to touch his shoulder and was shocked when Kaname flinched!

Purebloods don't flinch. Ever.

Even more shocking was the amount of fear in his eyes when he hesitantly met Zero's.

The last time he had ever seen a fear like that was what Zero imagined he himself looked like all those years ago when he was looking up at Shizuka.

This only made Zero worry more, but Kaname finally seemed to realize where he was since he murmured Zero's name.

Zero couldn't hide his gasp when Kaname finally looked up and stared into Zero's eyes.

His eyes were filled with such anguish and sorrow he didn't think was possible! But Zero knew the look well because it was a look he himself had carried for so long.

Not quite sure what to do, Zero awkwardly patted Kaname's back, and was surprised to see he was trembling.

For a second, Zero thought he smelled salt.

"_But…that was impossible. Purebloods don't cry. Right?"_

Apparently, Zero was proven wrong because Out of nowhere a small sob escaped Kaname's throat, followed by another, and then another, until Kaname was bawling his eyes out!

Zero stunned into shock, had no idea how he was suppose to react…but apparently his body took over for him as he hesitantly spun Kaname around to face him, and then wrapped him in a warm embrace.

* * *

Kaname finally seemed to get a hold of himself when he realized he was crying like a baby not only in front of, but literally on his love rivals shirt!

Kaname quickly pushed himself away from Zero, wanting to put as much space between them as possible.

What was worse was Kaname found himself suddenly afraid to meet Zero's eyes… which was ridiculous since purebloods weren't suppose to be afraid of anything! Especially a lowly level D!

But the fact was Kaname was scared, for he was sure that Zero would have a mocking look, and would tell everyone about the pathetic weakling he was!

So it came as a great shock when Zero slowly and gently slid his fingers underneath Kaname's chin and tilted his face up to meet his.

"Are you okay now?" Zero asked softly.

Kaname nodded even thought he was far from it.

Zero seemed to realize Kaname was lying too but didn't push on it.

Kaname was freaked. He had seen an unrecognized emotion flicker on Zero's face…something akin to…concern? Was it care? Kaname wasn't used to anyone caring about him. He knew his friends cared, but he couldn't afford to get too attached…they were his pawns after all.

Besides, he liked to be the one doing the caring. Just like how he cared for Yuuki. He was always the 'care-er' but no one was suppose to care about him.

It scared him…which was why he did the only thing he could think of…

He put his mask back on as quickly as it slipped off.

* * *

"If you'll excuse me…" Kaname said formally as he stood up and dusted the dirt off his pants.

Zero; instantly recognizing Kaname's cold look coming back to his eyes sneered and replied.

"Well what the heck was that?!"

"What was what?"

"You know what! That!"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Like hell you are! Look. I just mean…well…If you ever need to talk or whatever" Zero said sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. He wasn't exactly sure where he was going with this.

"_Am I really offering for Kaname to come and talk to me? What am I thinking? Why do I care? And as if he'd even want to come and talk to me…"_

But before he could take back what he said, He was suddenly hurdled in a tight embrace.

"_What the-? Is Kaname…hugging me?!"_

Zero was in shock. At first he was too stunned to move, until he felt Kaname stiffen, and dejectedly slump his shoulders in embarrassment.

"_Oh what the hell."_ Thought Zero as he wrapped his arms around Kaname to hug him back.

He wasn't really expecting Kaname to melt into the embrace, but he did. And it made Zero sad to wonder how long it had been since anyone had actually hugged the pureblood.

Another surprise was how perfectly Kaname seemed to fit in Zero's arms. He always knew Kaname had been slender, and perhaps it was because Zero had thrown himself into his hunter missions lately and had developed quite a built; but no matter the reason, Kaname seemed to be the perfect height and weight to almost mold into Zero's body. As if he belonged there all along.

As Kaname slowly pulled away, Zero watched in amazement as Kaname refused to meet his eyes, and developed a light pink tint to his cheeks.

It was definitely a first for many things. To see Kaname crying was rare…but to see him blushing! Zero just couldn't believe it! It all made Kaname seem so much more…human.

It was almost as if Zero was seeing Kaname in a new light, and he came to the sudden realization that all of his arrogance could have just been an act! Maybe Kaname wasn't really all that different…in fact, maybe they were more alike than they could have ever imagined.

Head still reeling with his revelation, Zero barely noticed Kaname stepping away from him.

"This never happened." Kaname said sternly, all traces of previous breakdown gone from his face.

Zero just nodded dumbly, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Kaname wasn't as horrible as he had always painted him out to be.

And as Kaname turned and briskly walked away, Zero was left wondering if the past several minutes even meant anything to Kaname at all.

But then Kaname paused and without turning around whispered a very genuine

"Thank you."

And Zero had his answer.

It was there and then that Zero decided on a whim that he would crack Kaname's mask, and be there for him. The _real _him.

But as he stalked back over to white Lily, his brow was furrowed in thought.

"_What exactly happened to make Kaname break down like that...And where the heck was Yuuki? Isn't She the one whose suppose to be comforting him?!"_

For the first time in a long while, Zero found himself angry with Yuuki.

Tbc…

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_**This is my first attempt at straight up ZxK (i'm usually KxZ girl myself) and its dedicated to all the ZeKa fans who've PM'd me about making Kaname the uke for once :P so **__**I'm hoping you're all getting a good "uke" vibe from Kaname from this chapter! ;)**__** and I'd love to know what you guys think about the story so far, so please review and let me know! :]**_


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